It is with great pleasure that we write you.
For some time, we’ve been following you as you showed great promise from a young age. We observed your rapid rise through the junior ranks in your village. We were there when you progressed and began winning in the U-23 races.
Yes, it was us – behind the scenes – who ‘encouraged’ the French to hire you into their amateur squad. And we were there when you took that dramatic stage win in the Tour of Switzerland. (We were also there negotiating with the police in the station after that arrest involving Ms. Sufferlandria, the Porsche, the night club and the box of hamsters. But let’s not go into that right now. Let’s just say that we’re glad you got your life back together.)
And now – based on that victory in Switzerland – here we are. On the cusp of greatness. It’s hard to believe, really, as we are a small nation. We are a poor nation. It has been a tough year for all Sufferlandrians. Hell, it’s been tough since the cabbage famine of 1100 AD. But we have a courageous heart and this heart beats in you. And you use that heart to beat the hell out of other people on bikes.
Now, today – today, we look toward glory as we inform you that you have qualified for the UCI Road World Championships in Geelong, Australia.
You will put this country on the map – you will make the world stand up and take notice! You are the first Sufferlandrian ever to qualify for these Cycling World Championships. Come to think of it, you’re the first Sufferlandrian to qualify for anything other than parole – so that’s really quite good.
Now, you have no teammates. You will be there alone, against the greatest cyclists on the planet. You will crush them. The King has deemed it so, so it must be so. I’m sure you understand that it MUST be so.
You can rest assured that The Federation – and the entire government – is behind you*. We will be sending our civil servants into the villages to spread word of your inevitable victory to the peasants. They will be most pleased to hear of your success and they will feel proud to be a Sufferlandrian.**
Before you leave, we’ve arranged for a small tribute cyclocross race in your honour. And we’ve also managed to register you for a small criterium before the main events. Although we can’t supply you with a time trial bike, a group of villagers had a bake sale and managed to secure some gear for you. They will send it later. By the way, a village madman said something about a time machine. He’s crazy.
We wish you the best of luck. We especially hope you teach those Norwegians a lesson as we’re really sick of them. They owe us, you know! They owe us! Anyway. We digress – let’s not let the past get in the way of our glorious future. As we say in Sufferlandria “IWBMATTKYT.”
The Sufferlandrian Cycling Federation
Sufferlandrian Government Office
* If you do not crush them, you do realise that we’re not behind you. We could never get behind someone who didn’t crush them. In that case, we’ll be busy so don’t bother calling. You will be visited by some gentlemen whom we suggest you cooperate with and do not resist.
** Unless you don’t win. In which case you’ll be lynched.