Racing bans. Lost salaries. Public humiliation. While these are the consequences in many countries for taking performance enhancing drugs, the Sufferlandrian Federation has just come out with the strongest position of any country: citizens will be stripped of their Nationality.
According to Grunter Von Agony, Sufferlandrian National Team Director Sportif, “Sufferlandrians Suffer. That is what we do. Drugs take away suffering. So, you take away Suffering, we take away your passport. Simple.”
The full statement:
The full text:
To: All Sufferlandrians
With so many National Federations coming out with their positions (or lack of ) on doping, we felt we should state ours.
It goes without saying that Suffering is a part of our national culture. It is who we are.
So, frankly, we are totally baffled about all this drug taking. We simply can’t understand why anyone would want to reduce their suffering? What on earth is that about? What kind of person is that? Less Suffering? Whaaaaaaaat? Isn’t the whole goal to push oneself to the absolute limit? Isn’t one of life’s essential pleasures to envelop oneself in a glorious ball of agony and misery, drooling spit and thunder and begging for mercy before coming out the other side a stronger and prouder person?
Throughout our national training videos, you will come across dopers. It’s hard to avoid them. You do, of course, routinely kick their a**. Obviously, YOU don’t need drugs.
But we must be clear: performance enhancing drugs are banned in Sufferlandria and Sufferlandrian ex-pats are forbidden from using them for a simple reason:
NOTHING MUST DULL THE SUFFERING.
Take drugs? Very, very un-Sufferlandrian of you. Citizenship stripped. Send back your passport.
The Minions will bury it after Chamois Dancing on it.
The Sufferlandrian Federation